Why I’m Not Searching for Mr. Right or Even Mr. Maybe
Here are the joys of staying single and soaring high.
(Originally published in The Ethel)
Author’s version below
“Single is not a status, it is a word that describes a person who is strong enough to live and enjoy life without depending on others.”
In 1976, when I was 21, as we were walking on Fifth Avenue, my mother turned to me and said, “You’re not getting younger. Before you know it, your time will run out.”
Her campaign for me to find a husband began minutes after I graduated college the prior year.
I could feel the steam growing inside of me. I looked at my mother and announced, “If I’m not married by the time I am 30, you can tell all your girlfriends I’m a lesbian.”
Passerbyers chuckled.
I did not marry by the time I was thirty, nor forty, fifty, sixty, and most likely seventy which is fast approaching. In case you are wondering, I’m not a lesbian. I’ve always been physically attracted to men.
Beautiful love stories and relationships came and went. Most were fun and enriching until they weren’t. I often got out when the going got tough. I never once looked back and said, I should of, could of stayed with him, and I would of been married with children and grandchildren by now.
I never feared being alone. I craved my freedom and didn’t want a partner who would either clip my wings or hold me down.
When my father died in 2006 and my mother was still quite vibrant, I asked her if she wanted to meet a man. She said, “This is the first time in my life I don’t have to answer to anyone.” She went from her mother’s home at age 18 to getting married.
Both my brothers married at 21 right after they graduated college and chose acceptable careers respectively, in medicine and law.
When my eldest brother was dying of cancer, he looked at me and said, “I’m very jealous of you. I thought because I was healthy, and he was not, and responded, “Ir, I wish I had a magic wand and I could take out the cancer from your body.”
Then he told me that wasn’t it. It was because I had lived my life as a free spirit. I was shocked.
With my huge thirst for knowledge, curiosity about life, and desire to create and communicate, I worked in many artistic mediums and took risks along the way. In my ascent as a writer, photographer and filmmaker, I didn’t have mouths to feed other than my own and learned survival skills along the way.
Now I’m getting ready to launch a new business, a forgiveness coaching program. Proudly, I am starting a new venture as I approach turning 70.
My mother, Mildred, turned 100 years old, and I am able to make her my priority. We returned a few months ago from an 18-day luxury cruise celebrating her milestone. And we are leaving on another cruise this weekend. And today with her inspiring personality and my filmmaking and marketing skills, this centenarian has become a social media influencer with nearly 100,000 followers on Instagram.
My mother was married for 64 years to my father. When he passed away, we started traveling the world together. I saw up close how she not only survived as a newly single woman but thrived with her own sense of purpose and adventure.
Don’t let your relationship status define your possibilities.
If you suddenly find yourself alone due to a divorce or the death of a partner, don’t fret about continuing life solo. You are not alone and so many others are as eager as you to meet and do things together.
You can join groups such as The Transition Network for Women, focused on women who transitioned to retirement. Check out groups on Meetup, Facebook, Nextdoor, Telegram and Instagram. Plug in your interests and you are sure to find more than one group.
Take a course. Learn something new. We can learn virtually almost anything. I often turn to online classes which I can do at my pace, such as one called Master Your Bain: Neuroscience for Personal Development. Many colleges offer lifelong learning programs geared toward seniors. What about a spiritual community? Yoga, mediation classes. Keeping our bodies active, and consistently growing our minds like my mother does, have proven to be among the keys to longevity, studies repeatedly confirm. How about sports? Pickleball is a big rage, especially among the 50+ population and it’s fun and social.
In my late 60s, I took up tennis for the first time in my life and loved it. I am also a fan of pickleball, a sport that is good for fitness and very social, making it a good place to meet other like-minded singles.
Do you have wanderlust? Don’t let not having a travel companion stop you. There are many solo travelers who take cruises. And some cruise ship companies are offering single rooms so you don’t have to pay for a room for two. Go with a tour company for a land trip and you will meet others. The advantage of being a solo woman traveler is that we get to make our own choices of where and when to go.The possibilities are endless.
The world is your oyster; embrace your freedom.
So am I a spinster — “A woman, especially an older one, who has not married.”? I guess I am.
A happy one. I have so much more living to do. I have great health and lots of energy. Knock on wood, nothing is stopping me.
The only thing that stops us in our life is our thoughts. There is always a way.
And what about a man, a husband? Not necessary. If someone comes into my path that is a match, I am open. But I am not searching for Mr. Right or even Mr. Maybe.
My focus now is finishing and releasing my mother’s book titled Mildred’s Mindset: Wisdom from a Woman Centenarian. The book is a compilation of her strategies for embracing life fully even at 100, with global travel, lifelong learning as well as expanding her social circle at every age. My mother is an unending inspiration, a sharp intellect who also happens to be an ageless fashionista.
And next up is my memoir which will be released next year.
Loneliness? Do I feel it? No, I don’t. There are never enough hours in the day for me to accomplish what I want to do. You can feel more alone in a bad relationship than when you are alone.