You never married . . . why?

Good question — Meet my family

Me before and Me now (Current photo by Tina Buckman)

When you hit my age and you’ve never married the mind of others wander. Why? They wonder. She is such an attractive, smart woman she must be gay. After all, she wears pants all the time and loves Ellen DeGeneres and Lilly Tomlin and we know what they are.

I remember speaking to my famous cousin, Howie, a founding member of the group Jay and the Americans. Remember, “Come a Little Bit Closer”, “Cara Mia” and “This Magic Moment”? I had an incredible crush on him growing up. We were on the phone catching up recently when he said “You’re a lesbian, right?”

I hate to disappoint all. I am NOT. And no, I didn’t even venture down that road. I took the straight and narrow. Only men. The kinkiest thing that I did was end up in bed with my boyfriend and his brother. That weirded me out enough.

Never even experimented with a woman. I know what you’re thinking. Why not? Maybe if you did, you wouldn’t be alone at this age, about to qualify for Medicare.

I just can’t. I don’t feel it. And I don’t wanna feel it. Oh, you think I am a repressed lesbian. Maybe I am. Think what you want — whatever makes you happy.

So let’s get back to the question and for just one-minute try to imagine I’m heterosexual even it’s a bigger turn on to imagine otherwise. Why did I never get married?

I liked boys from the get-go. And never had a problem finding a boyfriend. I had a cute figure and was pretty enough to attract a decent guy. Things always started off hot and heavy and then the time would come when they would meet my family. It wasn’t quite like bringing them to meet the Adams family who were not the run of the mill folks but quite cordial. Cordial is a word that would not be used to describe my family.

I remember when I brought home Marty. I was sure he was going to be my husband. We had a banter going and could finish each other sentences. He was smart, funny, ambitious and attractive. He happened to be Jewish, which was quite appealing as we both understood each other’s neuroses, indigenous to the tribe.

When we walked into my parent’s home my brother was in the living room making out with his wife — this was the second of three wives. He scored a woman nearly twenty…